hurt for stronger

I tell him "I am going off tonight."
his reaction is like "huh?! where to? Singapore?"
:)

I believe we just talk more than we used to talk about since quite some times ago,
I can't really remember when does this start,
my memory only starts on March when he was away to Bali for 1 whole week,
that's the time I start thinking about everything.

Not sure is it good to continue situation like now,
I guess I just need to get rid of this,
I just need encouragement to help myself in strengthening my decision,
and my decision comes from unbeatable thoughts.

I grow stronger each time when I am hurt.

满汉全席

A few things happened today which irritated me to the max,

luckily Ming was there.

We had a little chat,

she just warmed my heart up.

You know you all just have to be there for me,

when I am feeling bad.

I just have to talk crap with you and I will be fine.

You guys are my encouragement that keep me going,

everytime when I am down,

I just have to think about you all,

and I will be fine.

Both Princess and Ming catch me right before I am living the office,

sorry girls,

I couldn't talk to you both as I gotta leave the office sharp to avoid bad traffic.

This was the main reason why I leave the office sharp...

And of course the main character is always this...

Bill please~~~RM71.50

Although I wasn't happy in the office,
this meal just make my day ended up nicely.

To the 7 prosperities,
thank you!
To the another person,
:)

爱疯了

不敢问 却一直想问
你心里藏着什么人
不敢猜 却一直想猜
如回去 有没有可能
我不够完整
你给的从来不够完整
你一个语气都无法确认
这种缺乏是什么象征
不开灯 我不要开灯
我身边容不下别的人
不锁门 我不要锁门
你回来是一种信任
我那么的认真
去思考你对我的认真
或许是多么伤害人
而结论始终是疑问
我爱疯了
我疯到自己痛也不晓得
放弃了保护自己的责任
放弃了抵抗脆弱的天份
我不管了
我不管这伤口能不能愈合
选择了你也许是错的人
选择包容了你的不安分
我尊重我的 选择
我想我 疯了

我想我 疯了
请尊重我的 选择
我想我
疯 了
请尊重我的 选择
我想我
疯 了

How well do you know me?

My facebook's "how well do you know Deidre" quiz,
Ming commented about her low score on it,
"how the hell will I know when did you fall for Beckham?!"
Yes,
this is very true,
you all basically can tembak only,
and glad to say,
no one got it right!
Oh yes!
you all just can't know me!

喜欢你

我喜欢你！
我真的喜欢你！
我好喜欢好喜欢你！

我真的快疯了，
或许把话告诉他后我就不会那么神经了。

我喜欢你！
我喜欢你！
我喜欢你！
我喜欢你！
我喜欢你！

我真的很喜欢你！

心没有余而力不足

事情好像到了一发不可收拾的地步，
昨天我还表现的好好的，
可以控制着自己的思绪，
然后告诉自己：“我的奖励就是更好的控制自己的思绪！”
原以为可以一步一步的达成目标，
结果今天，
衰左！

我好像告诉他太多关于自己的私事，
太多，太多了！
明知道不会有结果还要把头栽进去，
太傻了！
太笨了！
不是说好要放弃了吗？
但是为什么好像有越来越喜欢的趋势？
是因为我们谈的越来越深入？
是因为我越来越发觉他的好？

为什么总是喜欢上没有可能的人，
好伤。
上一次的伤才刚刚痊愈，
现在又受伤了。
很累，
折磨自己的心折磨得很累！
已经努力的控制住自己的情感了，
还是受伤了。
我的心本来就已经千疮百孔，
本来刚刚结痂，
现在却又万箭穿心，
没有心了，
没有了。

心没有余而力也不足了。
我真的应该不会再喜欢上人了，
不会了！

疑神疑鬼

天啊！
我真的以为我就要长睡不起了！
昨天早上肚子痛得醒过来，
过后又好像“血流不止”，
今天又频频上大号。
神啊，
我就快“一撅不起”了吗？
我不要！
柒富贵救我！

斩妖除魔

雪特！
把持不住，
定力真的超不够！
不是说好要放下的吗？
快点放！
放下吧，
放！
公私不分，
但没有公就不会有私啊！
乱了，乱了！
时时刻刻要警惕自己“不要想太多，不要想歪。”
但意志力真的还不太够坚定涅，
怎么办？
就好像PK说的：“最难熬的都熬过了，再没有什么难得到我们！”
嗯!
我一定会努力下定决心的！
一定会！
从今天开始，
我会很努力的放下！
加油！

斩草除根！
斩妖除魔！

斩！

死人头！
死人头！
死人头！

有时你很可爱，
但你却有很令人讨厌的时候。
你还没见识过我发脾气的时候，
你真的以为我很善良吗？
今天下午我真的差一点骂你了，
你应该也感觉得到我的用词已经很不客气了，
但道理在你那边，
我又能怎样？

最近真的变得怪怪的，
不可以，
真的不可以。
决定了，
下定决心快刀斩乱麻！
post 了这一篇blog我就要开始实行我的计划，
将你赶走！

我不要爱
我不要爱
我害怕接受爱

不好

之前的我，
把悲伤看得太重，
就连那一丁点的快乐也被悲伤所淹没了。
这一次或许是我学乖了，
或许是他真的很不同，
我心里总是甜丝丝的，
很想把一切都记下来。

当我问他有没有“想你想的好孤寂”这首歌时，
他说：“现在没有。”
但一转头，
他就把那首歌send来了。
问他：“又讲没有？”
他竟然答：“there's a miracle when you believe!”
呵呵呵。。。

他告诉我说他吃了鸡饭（我们“鸡”味相投，都喜欢吃鸡饭，而且还是鸡胸哦！）
但那时候我在赶着一份5分钟里due的proposal，
便告诉他说：“在打仗！给我5分钟。”
他答：“加油！”
简单的两个字，
但很窝心。

虽然他常常有很“特别”的表现，
但我必须小心，
我们的谈话不能触碰他的雷池，
不然双方都会不愉快，
尤其是我，
我会很讨厌，很讨厌他！

真的很想告诉他：“你可以不要酱好吗？！”

what good is a heart

I told you how I felt
I told you what it meant
But I still haven't changed your mind
I know that you're afraid
You're frightened of the pain
But you can let down your guard
Cause when we run,
when we hide
We deny what's inside

What good is a heart if you're not gonna use it
What good is a love if you're too scared to choose it
If you're heart is beating
then it's for a reason, girl
If you're not even willing to start what good is a heart

Don't make the same mistake that people often make
And miss out on a chance for love
You've got to make your move
You've got to make it soon
Cause you're dying inside
Yes, I'm a man but I cry
I have fears
I won't lie

C'mon babe
You know it
Girl, anyone who looks can see that I'm right
There's a chance here
We could take it or regret it for the rest of our lives

What's next?

I like you 10% only this morning because of the words you used and some work related issues,
I like you 90% this afternoon when you started a conversation with me showing that you remember what I have told you.

I hate you 90% when you use harsh words to talk to me about work related issues,
I hate you 10% only when you are lame and I don't know how to react to your lame-ness.

I like you more when we are friends talking about everything,
that shows how cute and caring you are.
I hate you most when we are talking about work related issues,
that shows somehow you are throwing tanthrum to me and using me.

You are cute most of the time but not the moment when you are irritated by the most critical issue regarding our working responsibility,
you are cute when a simple word from you just make me laugh out loud easily,
you are cute when the sentence from you warm me up and shows that you care,
you are cute when you show you remember what we have talked about,
you are cute when you share yourself with me,
you are cute when you amaze me with some thoughts that help me in learning.

So what now?
Am I going to hate you or like you?
Should I pull myself back or set myself free?
What's next?

next birthday

It was 12th April,
another 12th April.
Your face and you is fading out of my mind,
I just afraid that someday,
you gonna get out of my mind completely.
Will you do something to keep yourself on my mind?
or every 12th April is the keyword to remembering you?
What can be saved in my mind about you?
Your name?
Your specs?
Your smile?
Everything that you have done for me?
Nothing that I have done for you?

You know I really want to tell you that~~~I am gonna be your friend again in my next life!~~~
Happy birthday (a wish that I could never tell you anymore)
I miss you!

乱！

昨天午睡发了一场梦，
梦境是D在MSN留了一封offline message给我，
内容是他今年将会和他的前女友Nicole结婚（我本来就不知道他有一个叫Nicole的前女友）。
醒来后吓了一跳，
有点闷闷的。
然后我就很聪明的去他的facebook找他的friend list，
看有没有叫Nicole的女生啰。
结果，
不用我讲你也猜得到就是酱巧，
他的list里有一个叫Nicole的女生，
很漂亮两下，
应该是他的前女友。

*****闪电+打雷*****

我真的不懂该给什么反应，
为什么我会发一场这样的梦？
结果心情就一直闷到现在。

方寸大乱，
乱得我真的不知该怎么办，
都说了要放下，
却怎么也放不下，
就连生活也被打乱了，
怎么办？
我必须冷静，
我的生活必须回到轨道上。
乱！

out of control

我甚少怀疑自己的自制力和判断力，
但每当面对爱情的时候，
一切就变得一发不可收拾。
当一切都变得无法控制的时候才是最恐怖的，
你不知道接下来将会发生些什么事情，
你无法预料，
甚至无法防范，
只能待在那里等待着将要发生的事情。
~~~and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust~~~
就连自己也相信不了自己！

我告诉PK说我要拉回自己的感情，
可我每天都必须提醒自己，
稍有不慎，
一切尽毁。
你知道我还一直在想着他，
就连下午也发了一场令我心碎的梦。
我不知所措，
我真的不知道下一步该怎么走，
想要拉回自己，
可自己却像脱缰的野马，
怎么拉也拉不住。

毁了，
一切都毁了！

good Friday

今天不懂发了什么神经，
一口气买了3本书！
反正书是精神粮食，
多看无妨，
更何况“书中自有黄金屋”。

晚餐剩下我和二妹解决，
结果就给她吵去了在我家附近一间很出名，很地道的日本料理店吃饭。

Stuffed Chicken Wing
很好吃，
鸡翅的肉全被刮下，
再加入一些蔬菜，
再stuff回鸡皮里。
o~i~shi~ neh!

~~~二妹的dinner set~~~
这一“堆”RM 40，

有sashimi，tempura, 还有其他你看到的啦。

~~~我的dinner set~~~

这一“堆”RM 45，

有sashimi，鱼，oyster，soft shell crab，很好吃的strawberry+cream etc...

吃的很饱，

很满足！

好好犒赏自己的一天。

爱无能

我不知道这一切是不是假象，
我不知道这一切是不是早有预谋。
“你不要杯弓蛇影啦！”
凡事都应该小心为妙不是吗？
而且这帮助我看得更清楚！
一生人没有可能只受伤一次或只跌倒一次，
。。。
写不下去了！

这是今天早上我写的，
原本要写在blog里，
但情绪真的失控到一个境界，
我竟然写不下去了！
当时很想哭，
眼泪已经在眼眶里打转，
鼻子湿湿的，
简直就是疯了。
幸好有PK在，
我回想起当时我message她的都应该是语无伦次的句子。

现在的我冷静下来了，
思绪也很清晰，
可以好好的挖个“洞”（PK叫我对着洞发泄我的情绪，我的洞不就是我的blog啰）大喊：“我喜欢你！”
我把故事告诉了PK,
却还没说到今天早上发生的事情。
都说了有太多因素围绕在问题上，
而我认为最严重的是公事上的问题。
我真的会认为他会为了公事上的事务而建立起良好的关系，
再运用这建立起来的良好关系达到工作上的利益。
我们还谈得好好的，
可他话锋一转，
切入最重要的主题，
我的心立即沉了下来“哈！原来铺陈了那么久是为了这件事！”，
心当场凉了一大截！

不要说我杯弓蛇影，
我跟他不是熟到可以相信他的一切，
更何况现在这个社会，
你最爱的人还是有可能背地里插你两刀。
再加上之前又听说过关于他公司不老实的案例，
我真的不得不防范一些。

也好，
反正也不见得会有什么可能或结果，
就让这故事提醒我不要越踩越深，
反正我也已经证明了我不是“爱无能”！

***
爱过的人我已不再拥有
许多故事有伤心的理由
这一次我的爱情等不到天长地久
错过的人是否可以回首
爱过的心没有任何请求
许多故事有伤心的理由
这一次我的爱情等不到天长地久
走过的路再也不能停留
一千个伤心的理由
一千个伤心的理由
最後我的爱情在故事里慢慢陈旧
一千个伤心的理由
一千个伤心的理由
最後在别人的故事里我被遗忘
***

我的心真的受伤了！

啊！

不好的事情总是会接踵连三的一起发生，
原本心情不好更会因为所有不如意的事一起发生而跌至谷底。
现在的思绪很乱，
所有事情都挤在一起，
简直就是剪不断理还乱。
真的是有太多不好的情绪需要发泄，
真的很想去kick boxing，
毕竟你们都知道，
我是外刚内弱，
我到底还是需要发泄。

quarantined

Working life is just changing me so much,
at first I was adjusting myself to adapt,
and now I am still adjusting myself to adapt.
The consequence is,
I have been ignoring my friends and family.
I did not have a great chat with them after the Aussie gang has left,
when they try to ping me on MSN,
I was just too busy to talk.
I go home everyday with tired body and soul,
I don't even want to look at my laptop!
Hence,
I have been "quarantined" from my friends.
Yes I notice that I seldome talk to you all,
I am sorry,
I will spare more time to be in contact with you all.
You know you are always on my mind!

棘水

Dua orang oriented 这个计划好像有一点“棘水”，
或许是太久不曾活在两个人的世界里，
变得有一点不知道要怎么跟别人相处。
再加上我这个大小姐的牛精脾气，
应该不会有人自投罗网。
了解了自己的脾性，
再了解了他的个性，
dua orang oriented project will be officially on hold!

一定有那么一个方法可以解决的！

another person

Woke up with some thoughts revolving in my mind,
the minute that I opened my eyes,
the next minute these thoughts are conquering my mind.
It is good though,
it helps me to at least clear up my mind a little bit.
I know that "K" has already gone out of my mind,
not fully gone,
but somehow,
he is out.
When another person squeezed in to the room,
he is slowing be kicking out.
You know how much "another person squeezed in to the room" means?
It tells me that I have feelings,
I still know what we called "falling in love",
I am moving on,
and most importantly,
I am over him!

Of course this "another person" has what it takes to squeeze in to my small, humble room,
a very kind person,
love playing sports,
tan,
similar thoughts (a.k.a. tuning the right channel as me),
mature (or should say old) enough,
and etc...

I am not sure how truth the feeling is,
it is still a little messy in my mind.
At least this "another person" helps me in realising that a bleeding heart can be cured,
at once I was so panic that why do I have to spend more than 5 years to move on completely?
am I forgetting or I actually have forgotten what we called "falling in love"?
I have many many questions in my mind and they scare me all the time,
I thought I am done by drowning in the sorrows that K brought.

You know how impactful K was in my life?
I actually thought that I will be marrying him,
yes I actually dreamed about marrying him!
My feelings towards K came very fast that I fell so deep for him,
and I was blind,
completely dumb!
But my feelings towards this "another person" just don't come fast,
I don't dream about marrying him,
probably this is still the beginning of the stage,
or maybe,
I am experienced enough to suppress my feelings.
Most importantly,
there are a few points that make me know and understand clearly,
we were not made for each other.

Holy Sh*t!
I am falling again for a person that we don't seem to have possibility to walk along.

恋爱了？！

当我大大声说想放弃的时候，
他是第一个告诉我不要放弃的人，
纵使他不知道我要放弃的是什么，
他第一句就是鼓励我的话！
就只有他，
没有第二人。

我又恋爱了吗？

愚人节快乐

你知道，
有时候累了就会想要放弃，
好像找不到动力，
没有继续的理由。
想要求变，
但可以变成什么？
变好抑或是变坏？
忽然很想等人养，
就坐在那里什么都不做，
茶来伸手饭来张口，
什么都不用烦。
天！
我什么时候变得那么没志气！？

不如嫁掉他算了？
@.@
sure boh?!
愚人节快乐！